Week 14 - 52 Weeks, A Blog Dedicated To Lionel Larry

Week 14 – Tuesday June 30th, 2015

It feels good to write this having moved through the huge hurdle, but this past week – I really struggled.  Fathers day left me with a lot of pain and confusion to work through and deal with.  I find it so hard to function at times while all this emotion is running through you.  Grief is a huge stress on your whole body, mind and soul – and yet life is still there too; stressful for most on its own – with family and work responsibilities.  It can become very hard to focus.  I still cant pinpoint why Fathers Day hit me so hard; I am not sure it matters.  I was lucky enough to be able to have some time to myself to feel and grieve, and think.

I got some good advice at the end of the week, that helped me a lot.  This was from a friend months ahead of me on a similar journey.  I wanted to share it here:

– the pain and void does not subside, you just have more experience dealing with it, as time moves on.  This resonated a lot with me, and gave me hope for the next time I fall down again.

– you need to ride the waves, but try not to get caught in a downward spiral.  Ride the wave down, and come back up.  For a very emotional person like me, it is very easy to get caught in the downward spiral of grief.  But, it is important to ride the wave, feel it out, and then jump back into your life with passion and gratitude.  Enjoy the good moments, and know there will be more.  That is all my Dad would have wanted for me.

– try to embrace this time.  A few people have said that to me.  It is quite interesting.  People who have walked this path, but are 1, 5 or even 10 years ahead of me, have all told me to embrace this time.  I find that very very interesting.  They have all moved through it, and yet are telling me to embrace this time of pain, darkness and confusion.  We really do need to open up to it all to feel more grounded and settled in our life.  This is a really really hard challenge for most.  I am hoping this experience can teach me that huge life lesson.

I feel different this week.  Lighter than I have been the last couple weeks.  I realize how important it is to face the dark, hard, strong feelings of grief as they come up, and they will lighten, they will move.  I will be able to breathe a little easier.  I also know there will be many more, and maybe I can learn to embrace them more each time.

I miss my dad like crazy.  I still want to believe he can see me, and is watching, and is somehow still with me on this earth.

I will end with an incredible song.  For anyone who has experienced deep loss – this will resonate,.  There is a reason I named my son after Eddie Vedder – wow!!

https://youtu.be/eCSyzkd1db8

My favorite lyric:

But the strangest thing to date
So far away
And yet you feel so close
And I’m not gonna question it any other way

“Come Back”

But the strangest thing to date
So far away
And yet you feel so close
And I’m not gonna question it any other way

If I keep holding out,… will the light shine through?
Under this broken roof,… it’s only rain that I feel
I’ve been wishing out the days,… come backI have been planning out,… all that I’d say to you
Since you slipped away,… know that I still remain true
I’ve been wishing out the days,…Please say, that if you hadn’t of gone now
I wouldn’t have lost you another way
From wherever you are,… come backAnd these days, they linger on
And in the night, as I’m waiting on
The real possibility I may meet you in my dream
I go to sleep

 

If I don’t fall apart,…. will the memories stay clear?
So you had to go,….. and I had to remain here

But the strangest thing to date
So far away
And yet you feel so close
And I’m not gonna question it any other way

There must be an open door
For you to
Come back

And the days, they linger on
And every night, what I’m waiting for
Is the real possibility I may meet you in my dream

And sometimes you’re there
And you’re talking back to me
Come the morning I could swear you’re next to me

And it’s okay.

It’s okay.
It’s okay.

Thank you.

Til next week,

52 WeeksHannah Siklos